Why wasn't reading the adventures of Dick, Jane, and Sally ever this realistic in elementary school?

These were recently e-mailed to me. Inappropriate? Perhaps. Funny? Definitely. They're linked below, by caption.

Buds and Suds for dinner!

Paul likes to chug. Chug, Paul, chug.

Evil is an art form.

Johnny likes skinny girls, but he never turns down a fattie!

We're not leaving 'til we're heaving!

The ladies all want some of Jack's sweet dark chocolate.

Jane knows Connie. She doesn't care to know Dick.

"Look, look," said Sally. "Look where I'm pierced."

Tom is a true Mack Daddy. Pimp Tom pimp.

Jimmy is a pyro.

Weeding is fundamental.